


We should be lovers instead

by Cirkne



Series: Breaking Glass [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, M/M, Suicidal Yamaguchi, depressed Yamaguchi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-08 04:18:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1926426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first part of the Breaking Glass series that focus on depressed/suicidal Yamaguchi and how he deals with it.</p><p>This part is about Yamaguchi's love for Tsukishima.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We should be lovers instead

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Jenny by studio killers.

It's hard to be in love when you're depressed because you don't think you deserve to be loved back but at the same time you want it so bad. Sometimes you tell yourself that if you got better you'd be loved back and other times you convince yourself you don't care.

Yamaguchi Tadashi is in love with Tsukishima Kei and he hates himself for that. He knows it's obvious, he's heard others ask about it. Tsukishima always denies it and Yamaguchi pretends that doesn't hurt. It shouldn't.

Sometimes Yamaguchi gets so bad he can't stop crying. He lays on the floor and sobs asking what did he do to deserve it. He tells himself he's selfish because even when he's as messed up as he is he still wants Tsukki to love him. He picks at his skin when he knows his mom will be there soon. It helps and Yamaguchi doesn't want to be seen crying.

At nights he stays awake for so long the sun is already rising when he falls asleep. All because he's afraid of the screaming in his head. He's tried to remember the voices of the guys who picked on him. Tried so hard but he never could. He only remembers their words and hears them all in his own voice. Even his mom's or Tsukishima's on the nights he's gotten extremely bad. 

Yamaguchi has considered cutting, more than once he's almost done it but Kei sees him change for practice and he's...

He's so smart. He notices everything. Yamaguchi knows he does but Tsukishima never talks about it. That's the way it is, he keeps it inside and pretends nothing happened. It's a bad habit but Yamaguchi loves him still because he himself has a list of those and Kei hasn't told him to get lost yet. He should. He will. When he does Yamaguchi will listen. Yamaguchi will break himself apart. Tear his skin until there's nothing left.

There are good days. He knows they will not last and that everything good in his life is followed by something bad but there are good days. Like when Tsukishima comes over after practice or when they go out to eat. Those days Yamaguchi lets himself forget things. Like the fact that he does not deserve to be loved back. He pretends that Tsukishima is just as shy. That somewhere under his emotionless mask Tsukishima loves him back. When they part Yamaguchi remembers again. Hates himself for hoping.

They're best friends. Even if a lot of people don't think so, they are. Yamaguchi knows because he calls Tsukishima when everything gets too rough for him.

"Yamaguchi, what the fuck? It's like three am" his voice is angry but heavy with sleep also.

"So- sorry, Tsukki" the only thing that will leave his mouth even when there are so many things to say.

"Shit, Tadashi, are you crying?" Tsukishima only uses his first name times like these. When he wants to reassure the boy that he's still here.

"Could you... talk for a bit? Please?" Yamaguchi doesn't answer his question. Kei got used to it.

"Yeah, of course" and he does. Tells him anything he thinks of until Yamaguchi calms down. 

They're best friends even if Tsukishima only shows it late at night. Even if Yamaguchi wants more.


End file.
